Pragmatic, Like a Colony of Wolves
by Mikauzoran
Summary: Kaito wins a mystery tour weekend trip in a prize drawing and ends up trapped on a bus with a bunch of teenage detectives. Bodies start to hit the floor and silliness ensues. He knew he should have just stayed home. Now with an extra chapter in which Shinichi tries to persuade Kaito to go to a soccer game. Kaito refuses, knowing that someone's going to get murdered.
1. Pragmatic, Like a Colony of Wolves

Mikau: So, the writing prompt was "pragmatic, like a colony of wolves", and this is what I came up with. I originally thought it was too short to publish, but what the heck. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, the series would be a lot less serious. More light-hearted and…well…silly.

…

Pragmatic, Like a Colony of Wolves

That was exactly how Kaito would describe the pack of detectives he was surrounded by—pragmatic, like a colony of wolves.

Kaito had won a lame prize drawing—a mystery tour weekend—and Aoko had "gotten sick" at the last minute, so she had given her ticket to one Hakuba f-ing Saguru.

To further compound Kaito's streak of bad luck, it appeared Hattori Heiji had won a similar drawing. To make matters worse, Hattori had brought along "Edogawa Conan" as his guest.

And of course there had been a murder because Edogawa f-ing Conan couldn't go anywhere without his shinigami powers leaving dead bodies in his wake.

So now the tour guide was lying dead in the middle of the aisle of the bus, and all of the mystery nerds were trying to figure out how the guide had been killed in front of a bus full of witnesses without anyone noticing anything strange.

Tantei-kun was on the scent of the killer, sniffing around the body like a bloodhound and making notes of all the clues no one else could see.

The Osakan detective and the Brit seemed to be having a bit of a tiff, and some teenage girl that kind of looked like a fairly attractive "cool guy" was discretely making note of Conan's actions.

Kaito didn't dare draw attention to himself. With so many detectives and nowhere to run in the cramped bus (Well, if he were being honest, Kaito could probably pull off a backflip or two fairly easily, but…), he thought it better just to sit still and let the colony of wolves do their thing.

Eventually Hakuba narrowed in on the driver of the bus, and he and the rest of the teen detective squad preformed an, actually, pretty spectacular and fairly flashy deduction show.

There was much applause.

Again, if Kaito were being honest, it was kind of cool. They needed to form a five man team, like the Power Rangers or something. Tantei-kun would be red, Hakuba green, Hattori blue, and the detective girl would be yellow. Only they needed a fifth member. And Kaito was NOT going to be pink. No. No, no, no. No. Okay, maybe, but still.

"That was kind of impressive how you noticed the setup with the turn signal," Kaito muttered under his breath, trying not to sound too impressed, as Hakuba returned to his seat.

"Thank you, Kuroba." The detective smiled bashfully, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

What had happened to the arrogant prick that had showed up in February the previous year?

The next day, the group set out again, and they got about an hour into the tour before yet another body hit the floor.

The detective squad was on the case, cordoning off the crime scene and snooping for clues before the body had even had the chance to go cold.

Kaito sighed, vowing never to go on another mystery tour as long as he lived. If he did, it just might be the literal death of him.

…

AA

\'.'/

Mikau: (It's supposed to be a wolf. Maybe.) Tada! That's all folks. What did you think? Did it at least get a chuckle out of you? Feedback would be appreciated since I'm kind of nervous about this one. It's just kind of…a little crack one-shot. I'm really interested in what you think. Do you guys like short, not so serious stories like that? Please let me know. If you do, I've got more I could publish. Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Have a great day, and take care!


	2. Failing to Interpret What Comes Next

Mikau: Hi there, and Happy New Year! I hope it's an awesome one. Okay, so this isn't a continuation of Pragmatic. This is just another short crack fic in the same vein, so I decided to put them together. Sorry. I didn't mean to deceive you. And thank you so much to everyone who read and favorited Pragmatic. Your overwhelming support means a lot to me. Thanks as well to reviewers: Assasin8, Bree, Aniki-xvi, and Moonumb. Hopefully you'll enjoy this fic as well.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd allow Conan and the gang to have a day off every once in a while. They should be able to go on a nice trip every now and then without having to solve a murder.

…

Failing to Interpret What Comes Next

"I'm not going anywhere with you. Someone's going to get killed," Kaito protested.

"Kuroba, no one's going to get killed," Shinichi chuckled, waving the magician's concern away as if it were completely unfounded.

"Someone _always_ gets killed when I'm around you," Kaito snorted, enlisting Hakuba's help. "Am I right?"

The Brit shrugged as he flipped the page in his complicated science journal. "I would have to say that you are 0 for twenty-seven, Kudo. The likelihood of someone dying if Kuroba accompanies you is very high."

"So? We could beat the odds," Shinichi urged.

"No," Kuroba replied flatly.

"What's the big deal? So someone gets killed? We solve the murder and move on," Hattori Heiji threw in his two cents.

"Ugh. You're missing the point," Kaito sighed. "Fine. I'll go if he goes." He pointed to Hakuba, knowing that the English gentleman would be hard to persuade.

"Perfect. Let's go, Blondie," Hattori chuckled, grabbing Hakuba by the arm and dragging him out of his armchair.

"W-Where are we going? Unhand me!" Saguru flailed.

Kaito face-palmed. "Soccer game between Big Osaka and the Tokyo Spirits. A whole stadium full of people to get murdered. I just know that there's going to be a bomber or someone's going to kidnap one of the player's family members or friends and then I'm going to be left by myself to watch the game while you three run off to solve the case. Why are you geniuses too dumb to notice the pattern?"

"I think they notice but just don't care." Saguru shrugged. "I'll watch the game with you."

"Great," Kaito sighed. "Just great."

…

Mikau: Okay, no more cracks about Conan's shinigami powers and how he leaves corpses in his wake. Well, not for a while, at least. Hopefully this at least got you to smile. Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful 2014.


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